Schrodinger's Kittie

You know, you rarely think about the fact that you burn calories with everything you do in life.  Even just sitting still requires X amount of calories to keep you going.  There are a lot of people who absolutely hate calorie counting to keep themselves inline when they are trying to lose weight.  But, I actually enjoy it.  It helps me not only ensure I’m staying where I need to be calorie-wise; but, it helps me to understand how healthy I am (or am not) eating and living.

Today’s example shows that I have eaten breakfast and lunch.

Breakfast was pretty substantial and really hit the spot.  I tend to eat breakfast about two hours after I’ve gotten up and rolling.  I just cannot bring myself to eat immediately upon waking.  It just does not sit right.

Lunch doesn’t look like much, with just the overview; but, when you break it down, it was actually enough to keep me going through the afternoon until I get home tonight to make dinner.

It was a Turkey on Rye…I don’t know how many of you have checked out the calories in various sandwich ingredients; but, Rye is amazingly low in calories.  Lower than the ‘low calorie’ wraps I’ve see out there.  Mustard – basic yellow – has next to no calories.  Turkey, lettuce and tomatoes – and, bingo.  You have a very flavorful sandwich that comes in under 120 calories.  Rye bread tends to be pretty good sized slices – so, you use ONE slice of bread to hold all the ingredients together.  Eat it slowly and enjoy it.  It’s full of good things for you – a healthy, low calorie meal that will tide you over for the next couple of hours…and, it’s not bland, boring or nasty tasting.

While that’s all well and good, I’ve still spent 478 calories, right?  That can be pretty rough when you’re on a restricted diet.  But, you’d be amazed at the amount of calories just driving to work and doing your desk job can burn.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not enough that you can go crazy with your caloric consumption; but, it’s enough that you can breathe a bit easier about what you do and do not choose to eat.

Surprisingly, just driving to work and doing my job burns 508 calories – that just a bit under one calorie an hour.  Not exactly going to burn it off in a blink of an eye; but, it does mean that there is more wiggle room in your day than you might imagine.  The walking “under 2mph” that’s there that shows 5 min?  I park on the far side of the parking lot.  It takes me about 2.5 minutes to get into work – crossing the lot and climbing a flight of stairs to get to my cube.  Who’d think to put that on their exercise list, right?  I mean, it’s only 7 calories…but, 7 calories here and there can add up.  Going to the bathroom – I use the women’s handicap stall and do a couple of minutes of side kicks and squats.  Only 13 calories…but, I do it every time I go to the bathroom – some days more than others; but, you know….at 13 calories a pop – that’s not too shabby.  Add to that, walking to the bathroom farthest away from my desk takes me about 2 minutes each way, so there are more calories burned.  Last night, I wound up 20 calories over my goal…but, I was still within my caloric goal for reaching 1.2 pounds lost per week.  I hate that it’s such a low amount per week. I’ve grown up in an “instant” society and I want it right now; but, this way is much healthier and much better at helping me to ensure not only that I eat enough; but, that I eat healthy.

Yes, eat enough.  I think one of the reasons so many have trouble with dieting is because they do not take into account all they are doing throughout their day.  They log every bite consumed; but, they fail to log every action taken (well, within reason).  So – someone may go on a 1200 calorie diet…and, essentially starve themselves because they also begin to work out and increase their caloric burn.  It’s one reason I find tools like MyFitnessPal or MyFoodDiary so invaluable. They help give you the real picture about what’s going on…and, the nutritional feedback is even nicer (though, I wish there was a bit more robust information, what they do provide is wonderful). For more information on how many calories are burned for every day activities like walking, shopping, sleeping, watching TV, cooking, putting up groceries, etc you can go to this link provided by Harvard.

The end of the day report really helps you see how well you’ve done at living healthy, while trying to lose weight.  This is actually my middle of the day report – I still have dinner to get through.  However, because of all the little things I’m doing throughout the day, I can have a fairly decent dinner and still be within my caloric range. Not to mention, I still have my rowing I’ll be doing tonight which will burn off a few more calories – that means I can gift myself a single glass of wine as an apertif.  Not too shabby  

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not easy.  Breaking the sugar habit is HARD.  Cutting back on caffine?  Really hard.  Trying to identify the cravings that you get so that you can provide healthy alternatives for what your body is demanding?  It takes a lot of fine tuning and really coming to understand your own body.  It’s not easy; but, I think, in the end it’s worth it.

I just heard a song about a boy who killed himself. The chorus was:

“How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely… and nobody know”
(artist: Blaine Larsen)

It’s actually, apparently, very easy. And, it’s not always about being lonely or empty. Sometimes it’s about being tired. So very, very tired. Through and through soul weary. It’s about being told over and over again why it is that you are supposedly too good for people and how you deserve more. It’s about seeing mistakes you’ve made with people who weren’t finding excuses to avoid you. It’s about feeling like every time you get up and manage to finally steady yourself on your feet and are just starting to find your balance – you get knocked flat on your back again….and, often have the world doing the tango on top of your prone body. It’s about wondering why in the world you would even want to make the effort to bother to stand up again, knowing you are just going to wind right back up in the dust and dirt with shoe prints on your heart and soul.

That weariness – that utter, inner exhaustion – it seems to hide from view even though it’s out there for the world to see, if they just knew how to look. It’s a shadow in the eye, a sigh on the wind, a quiet step away from life…one centimeter at a time.

My puppy, Loki, pulled me back from that ledge so very many times. It’s one reason his loss was such a blow to me – and, always will be a wound that I don’t think will ever fully heal over. That little dog literally gave me a reason to go on when all the other reasons just didn’t stack up. I hate that it seems like I didn’t love my family or my son enough to say they were the reason. But, truly, the state of mind you get into, you believe that while you might be missed it wouldn’t be all that big a deal. You rationalize that your family – who makes it so very clear how much they love you (in my case) – and your friends will probably not even notice you are gone.

At the lowest point in my life, I literally would not have been missed until the next work day when I failed to show up at Broadwing. Tim and my coworkers would have known something was seriously wrong because I just don’t bail on work without notice. How sad is it that you’d have to wait until a workday and count on your work ethic for someone to realize you were no longer around? That was my life. And, it’s one reason I started to go out dancing. I had to get out and socialize and not be the hermit I was becoming. And, it was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life. I did not want to go out. I did not want to socialize and be around people. I did not want to do any of it – not in the least. But, I had a little dog who counted on me to take care of him – and, the fact that I would have lain dead for several days before someone would find him and take care of him is one of the main reasons I’m typing this message today. The love and care that I had for that dog, and he for me – the responsibility of taking care of him is why I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and made myself get out and be sociable…if anyone could remotely call me sociable. I’m difficult, irascible, annoying – and, sometimes quite self-absorbed. But, I did it…and, I’m much more heart whole because of it. I still have my moments; but, I have a husband who loves me and friends who worry when they don’t hear from me in several hours and people generally sticking their noses in my business – and, that’s a very good thing.

The things that burrow in and tear at the heart and soul of a person and make them so soul weary that they just can’t bring themselves to stand back up and dust themselves off…they hide in plain view. And, sometimes, the only indication you might ever have that anything is wrong is a very quiet, “I’m just tired.” I know I used that phrase a lot. And, I was. I was so very, very tired. Unfortunately, no one realized it wasn’t a physical tired – it was a soul tired.

After I pulled through the worst and closest call I had, I talked to my father about it. I’m so very blessed with the family that I have – and, I cry for those who are not so blessed and who find themselves feeling that soul weariness. My father said to me, “I know, Doll”…and we talked – and, he did know. And, slowly and with a lot of effort I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to exert, I have come to a much better place and found a place of quiet peace inside that – even if I fall into the maelstrom and get exhausted – I can go and rest and find my balance again. I can find it without the battle against the question of if it’s even worth it to bother. It’s not something that ever fully disappears, I don’t think. Maybe it does, given enough time. But, it fades. It becomes easier to breathe and the weight of that exhaustion slowly lets up so that you can make it through another day.

So…it’s not always about hurt, or loneliness, or emptiness…sometimes, it’s just about being so utterly and completely exhausted. And, for each of my friends and my family members who are in my life and love me and stick their noses in my business and make sure that I know that I’m loved and adored….thank you so much for that caring and that loving. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.

Ginger-Cinnamon Cookies
(Non-Vegan and Vegan Varieties)

Non-Vegan:

INGREDIENTS

* 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
* 4 teaspoons ground ginger
* 3 teaspoons baking soda
* 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
* Four pinches orange zest
* ¾ cup butter
* 1 cup white sugar
* 1 egg
* ¼ cup dark molasses
* pinch of sea salt

A bit of cinnamon sugar – less than ¼ cup (cinnamon sugar is made by combining 1 tbsp cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar)

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Sift the flour, ginger, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt into a mixing bowl. Stir the mixture to blend evenly, and sift a second time into another bowl.
3. Place the butter into a mixing bowl and beat until creamy. Gradually beat in the white sugar. Beat in the egg and dark molasses. Sift 1/3 of the flour mixture into the butter mixture; stir to thoroughly blend. Sift in the remaining flour mixture, and mix together until a soft dough forms. Pinch off small amounts of dough and roll into 1 inch diameter balls between your hands. Roll each ball in cinnamon sugar, and place 2 inches apart on an ungreased baking sheet.
4. Bake in preheated oven until the tops are rounded and slightly cracked, about 10 minutes.
5. Cool cookies on a wire rack.
6. Store in an air tight container out of reach of dogs, children and spouses…if you want any for yourself, that is.

To “Veganize”:

INGREDIENTS

* 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
* 4 teaspoons ground ginger
* 3 teaspoons baking soda
* ½ teaspoon baking powder
* 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
* Four pinches orange zest
* ¾ cup Earth Balance
* ¼ cup canned pumpkin
* 3 tablespoons arrowroot powder
* 1 cup white sugar
* ¼ cup dark molasses
* pinch of sea salt

A bit of cinnamon sugar – less than ¼ cup (cinnamon sugar is made by combining 1 tbsp cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar)

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Sift the flour, ginger, baking soda, arrowroot, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt into a mixing bowl. Stir the mixture to blend evenly, and sift a second time into another bowl.
3. Place the Earth Balance into a mixing bowl and beat until creamy. Gradually beat in the white sugar. Beat in the pumpkin and dark molasses. Sift 1/3 of the flour mixture into the Earth Balance mixture; stir to thoroughly blend. Sift in the remaining flour mixture, and mix together until a soft dough forms. Pinch off small amounts of dough and roll into 1 inch diameter balls between your hands. Roll each ball in cinnamon sugar, and place 2 inches apart on an ungreased baking sheet.
4. Bake in preheated oven until the tops are rounded and slightly cracked, about 10 minutes.
5. Cool cookies on a wire rack.
6. Store in an air tight container out of reach of dogs, children and spouses…if you want any for yourself, that is.

_{Note: A great resource for what can be used for egg replacements can be found at My Vegetarian Recipes.}